UGH! What next!?!

There are SO many things going on right now...most of which are not very good. My family could use your prayers right now.

First of all, my Mom starts Chemo treatments in cream form on Friday for skin cancers on her face. Apparently, she has many places on her face, so she has to use this cream that will basically FRY the first few layers of her skin off. She's been told that she will look like she's been in a fire. She will use it for two weeks...I've heard that it's painful, and my kids can't touch her face in any way at all because it can be very toxic to them. So no hugs or kisses from Nana for at least two weeks. I know that my kids will go through Nana-withdrawals, and my Mom is already CRUSHED at the idea of not being around them much for two weeks. My thoughts...it's only TWO weeks...let's get it done and get her better!!

Secondly, my Dad is having surgery around the first of May on his neck. His spinal column has kind of deteriorated and is crushing down on the vertebrae where it's causing a lot of pain and discomfort. He will be down and out for 2-3 weeks then. Best part is....this condition is HEREDITARY!!!! Nice.

I'm an only child, and it makes me worry to see my parents going through these things. I know that these treatments and surgeries will help to make them better (God willing), but it's just hard not to worry. So if you will pray for them, I would be highly appreciative!

As for me, the Neurontin is a God-send. It's helped so much of my pain and has been wonderful. I'm still suffering from a lot of dizziness (not sure if it's Neurontin related or not) and my eyes continue to be SO jumpy. I guess I'm going to have to break down and go see an Opthamologist....but I don't WANNA!!!!!!!!! I've got a million doctors in my life right now, and I certainly don't want to add another to the mix! Grrrrrrrr.........

So...yesterday, I get a phone call from Karen, who is my insurance agent's wonderful, on top of things, secretary. She asks me if I switched my health insurance to another company. I told her no. She asks me if I received a letter from Anthem (my health insurance company)...I told her no. She then proceeds to tell me that she received a letter from Anthem saying that they TERMINATED my health insurance!!!!!!!! I got on the phone and called Anthem, and the lady said that they cancelled me for non-payment. I pulled up my bank information, which showed every payment that I had made online (including the most recent month's), and I faxed it over to them. I HATE health insurance companies!!!!!!!! HATE THEM HATE THEM HATE THEM!!!! I'm sure they are looking for ANY reason whatsoever to cancel me since I've been going through so much testing lately. They'd BETTER get my policy back up and running again, or God help me, I will find the worst, ugliest, ambulance-chasingest (is that a word?) lawyer I can find!!!!

Whew...I feel better for getting all of that out. It just seems there's no end in sight for the drama (eeek...I hate that word!). Maybe one day life will go back to "normal." But probably not...

What Else Can I Do But Laugh???

I was just sitting here thinking of all of the silly things I've said or done lately. There's actually been A LOT! My mind is fraying daily...and it seems like I may never be restored to what I once was. So like the title of this post says, "What else can I do but laugh?"

Thought I would share a few of my "brilliant" moments of late with you. Heck, we can all laugh together!

1. I think of words to say, but they never come out right. For example, I was playing with Mackenzie the day before yesterday...she was hiding from me and acting silly. I thought...when she jumps out, I'm going to yell BOO at her and scare her first. She jumps out and I yell "BEE!" (This is only one example of literally THOUSANDS of words a day that I end up saying wrong.)

2. This is a constant habit...I make Maddie chocolate milk (of which the milk and the chocolate are both kept in the fridge). The chocolate, which is sitting right next to the milk on the counter, makes it back into the fridge...the milk does not. And it normally will sit there for an hour or better before I figure it out.

3. The other day I was tidying the family room. I had just changed Mackenzie's diaper, so I picked the diaper up, and at the same time, I picked up a book that was sitting on the floor. Threw the book away...laid the diaper on the counter. (See a trend here??)

4. Bought a baby gift at Elder-Beerman over the weekend. The cashier asked me for my zip code...I sat there with my mouth hanging open for about 10 seconds before I heard a male voice say "40383." Thank goodness for hubbies who realize what a dummy their wife has turned into! I certainly had no clue what a zip code was at that particular moment.

5. My very favorite thing that happens - I'll tell Phil or Mom or someone else..."OH! Guess what!" They, of course, say WHAT back, and I sit there and sit there and sit there and sit there thinking of what I wanted to tell them because I lost all track of what I was trying to say. I really DO forget...I promise! Makes them pretty angry, though! HA!

Well, those are just a few of the crazy things that happen to me on a daily basis...there are about a thousand more stories like this for every one that I listed here. Fun times! A lot of people say, "Oh, I do that kind of stuff all of the time." Well...I never did before, and if people do this as much as I do, we're ALL in big trouble! : )

Really...it's OK to laugh.

I need to talk about my friend...(Long)

A lot has come out about Brian, my praise band friend who committed suicide. Actually, after hearing the information, I feel a tiny bit better about what happened, although that's just an ironic way of saying that.

Brian had been admitted to Charter Ridge, a mental health facility, a few weeks ago for his depression. He had been suffering from depression for a little while, and it was getting to the point where he just wouldn't get out of bed in the mornings. This depression started when he sold his business - a popular bicycle shop in Lexington. Apparently, he felt that he had made a big mistake by selling it. The apprehension over this just continued to double and double until it became full-fledged depression.

Never did he ever seem to be suicidal...just a guy who had turned 50 and wasn't sure where he fit in with his life. After leaving Charter Ridge, he was regularly seeing a counselor (every other day). He sought help ON HIS OWN. He knew that he was depressed, and he only wanted to find out how NOT to be depressed.

The doctor tried him on numerous medications. Exactly one week after changing his medication YET AGAIN, Brian hung himself in his home.

The day that Brian died, he had called a company about a job that he had interviewed for. He was told that he probably had the job, but the person that he talked to had to find out more information and told him that she would call him back that afternoon. She tried and tried and tried to call him back later, but no one ever answered.

The day that Brian died, he went and had a late lunch with his daughter, Kelsey...that was at 2:o0. His son, Nathan, came home at 4:00 and found him dead. He literally had only minutes to make that fatal decision.

I attended the viewing at the funeral home on Thursday night. I was completely overwhelmed to see hundreds upon hundreds of people coming through that door to pay their respects. I told my Mom, who was keeping my girls, that I would be back in "about half and hour." An hour and a half later, I left that funeral home. I stood in line for a LONG TIME to pay my respects, and I was so glad that I did. I remember saying to him in my head..."See how many people loved you? See how many people cared so much that they come in droves to stand in line for you?"

I was not able to attend the funeral because I was home by myself with the girls on Friday. I hear that it was an AWESOME funeral complete with beautiful music, which he would have loved, and a wonderful eulogy.

After the funeral, Jill, Brian's wife, told our preacher that she had found some paperwork on this last drug that Brian had been taking...it said:

"Do not leave this person unattended while taking this medication. May cause suicidal thoughts."

She. Never. Knew. No one, including the prescribing doctor, ever told her that he could not be left alone. A very tragic "mistake" (OMISSION) with horrible, horrible consequences.

Our church service on Sunday was.....I don't even know what to call it. Horrible, sad, emotionally draining, inspirational, time to heal...there aren't enough words to describe it. Marcus, our preacher, began the service asking if anyone wanted to talk about what happened. There was one couple there who somehow did not receive word of what had happened, and when told, they just broke down in tears. People talked, asked questions, got mad...and healed. We finally had some closure. Having answers helped tremendously.

I, for one, am so glad that this wasn't something that he contemplated for a long, long time, but rather it was something not right with his mind at a particular moment. I pray that God forgives him, and I pray that God will heal all of the hearts that have been broken.

Our church service went on with a discussion about how God and Jesus views grief. Then, the remaining members of our praise band got up and sang two songs, "Draw Me Close to You" and "Blessed be Your Name." We did not use microphones, we did not have drums or guitars, just the piano...we couldn't. At that moment, we let the sound of Brian's voice and his guitar play in our minds while we sang those songs. I couldn't make it through...I cried through it as most others in the whole congregation did.

We will go on...we will form another praise band, but we will always hear the sound of Brian's voice and his guitar playing on...

Please Pray...

As you may or may not know...I sing in the praise band at our church. Well, our praise band leader, Brian Schuler, killed himself yesterday. We are all in complete and utter shock.

Brian was always a very fun guy and a talented musician. He was kind of intense, but he would always smile and cut up with you. He was a HUGE fan of classic rock music, and sometimes he would try to talk Marcus (our preacher and bass player in the praise band) into playing something like "Sweet Home Alabama" or some other classic rock song during the service. (Kidding, of course.)

I am very sad for his loss...needless, tragic, horrible. BUT, I am SO incredibly ANGRY with him!!! He killed himself knowing that his 14 year old son would be the first one coming home and that he would be the one to find him. Did this go through his mind before he killed himself? I don't know...I sure hope not. He has completely RUINED this poor child's life! How can you be the same ever again after finding your parent like that?? My heart goes out to his son Nathan who found him, as well as his mother, Jill and his sister, Kelsey.

Also, please pray for our church. There are only a few of us who know about this right now. Everyone else will more than likely find out on Sunday when Brian's not standing up there with us. I'm so afraid that this will just tear our church apart. I know that we are strong and will stand strong together, but this needless loss is going to hurt so many people...and if everyone's as angry as I am right now, then.....I'm just afraid.

I feel guilty...I really do. He had been experiencing some depression, and had recently sold his business. I think maybe there may have been some tension in his home, but NONE of us ever thought in a million years that he would do something like this! I just can't believe it!! I wish now that I would have reached out, sent a card, made a phone call, just said "I care." Anything. Maybe it would have helped...maybe it wouldn't have.

Please...if any of you are depressed or know anyone who is depressed, get help, reach out to that person, let them know that you care (or if you're depressed, realize that there ARE people who love you and care so much about you). You just never know how many people's lives you have touched.

Much love to you all.

Please pray....

Birthday update...sorry for its tardiness!

Sorry I haven't posted about my birthday evening...it's been a very crazy, busy, sleepy, ugh-feeling week.

First of all...I've finally made my way up to 3 x 300 mgs of Neurontin a day. It has taken me all the way up until yesterday (literally) to get used to the stuff, but I can already feel its wonderous affects. The only pain I get now is very little amounts of pain after my pill has worn off. Really nothing to talk about, though. My jumpy, jerky muscles have gotten much better, too, on this drug!! YAY! My eyes are still giving me problems, and I'm still having some fatigue and weakness problems, but overall, things are much better. I never want to stop taking this stuff! : )

So back to my birthday...after work, Phil took me to Yamamoto's for sushi. We ordered so much sushi that they actually brought it out to us on this huge platter....and we ate every last bite of it! So good! We ordered the Lobster rolls, Man-O-War rolls (which have fried crab in them), California rolls (2 orders), and then I ordered individual smoked salmon, tuna and red snapper. (My mouth is watering thinking about it....)

After dinner, we went back home for my "surprise" party. I walked into the door, and Maddie came out and wouldn't let me go into the family room until she told me that she had a surprise for me. So I had to close my eyes, and she walked me in where her, Mackenzie and my Mom and Dad all yelled SURPRISE! She had "helped" Mom put streamers all over the table and walls, they had a balloon bouquet, a cake, and some flowers. It was all very sweet. Maddie was SO excited that she had put all of this together just for me (with Mom's help, of course).

Anyway, Phil and my parents both gave me gift certificates (totalling $75) to the mall! WOOHOO! I got another $25 in cash from Phil's mom in a card she sent. The girls got me a CD with various "hair band" songs on it, which I love!

The party only lasted about 30 minutes, but that was plenty for me! ; ) So I'm officially 31 now...fun times.

You just HAVE to see these flowers that Maddie picked out for me...I LOVE them! (They're still very much alive a week later, too!) Aren't they the best??? From my babies...

I Got Laundered Money for my Birthday!

Really, I did! I got $25 in a card from Phil's mom. I put it in my jeans pocket and forgot about it. My jeans got washed, and WAHLAH! Laundered money...heeheehee! (Bad joke...sorry!)

Anyway, today is my 31st birthday. Saying that I was 30 was bad enough...now I have to say thirty-ONE. EEK! I feel like I should still be an 18 year old, but then again, my body says that I should be about 80. Nothing in that equation says that I should be 31. HA!

My Maddie is the sweetest little thing on the face of the Earth. All week long, my Mom has been telling her that my birthday was coming up, and every day, she keeps trying to tell me Happy Birthday. Well, this morning, when we woke up, I said, "Maddie, today is Mommy's birthday!" She responded with a very loud, cheerful, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MOMMY!!!!" I think that she was more excited than I was. She went on to tell me that I have to have a cake, some balloons, and those things that go on the walls (ie., streamers). Not sure that she was supposed to tell me all of that. Then I told her that Mommies don't get birthday parties because we're too old. She said, "You're not old, Mommy. You're new...because we live in a new house!" : ) LOVE...HER!

So Phil is taking me out for a sushi dinner right after we get off of work. I'm excited about that because as you may or may not know, I'm a HUGE sushi fan!!!! WOOHOO!! We get these lobster rolls that are just DIVINE!! Ahhh...my mouth is watering as I type. After dinner, apparently, I get a burfday party.

Oh, also, Maddie and Mackenzie had gotten me a card (well, Mom got it actually), and they drew all over it, put their little handprints on it, and put stickers all over it. Maddie was so excited that she had to give it to me first thing this morning. You know...I don't care if I EVER get a gift of any kind ever again. All I care to get is the little homemade pictures and cards from my girls. Melts my heart.

I started on my Neurontin on Monday night. Stuff threw me for a MASSIVE loop! I mean big time! Felt like I was on a 10-day drunk or something. I stayed really dizzy most of yesterday, but I slept like a log, though. No shooting electrical pains, no twitching or jerking...it was nice. I took the Neurontin an hour earlier last night, and I feel a lot better today. Right now, I'm taking 1 per day...then on Friday, I'll start taking it twice a day...then from Tuesday on, I'll be taking it THREE TIMES A DAY!! I've never had to take anything 3 times a day!!! As long as it helps take the edge off, though...I'll do what I have to.

I don't get to get out to visit people much these days between not feeling well, taking care of the kids, and taxes, but my best friend, Tabitha, came to visit me last night! She had to drop some things off, but she stayed for a couple of hours, and we got to talk and catch up while the kids played. I really enjoyed just sitting and chatting with her. Tabitha, I know you're reading ; ), so THANKS for visiting with us!!!!

I *think* that's it for now...it's been an eventful few days. I'll post tomorrow about how my not-so-surprise birthday party goes tonight!

I want a new drug...one that does what it should...

Remember that Huey Lewis and the News song from the '80's?

Just telling you all the news that as of tonight, I'll be ringing in a new day in a Neurontin-induced stupor. HA! Dr. Fee just called me to tell me that he called in my prescription to the Pharmacy. YAY! Relief just may be in sight!

On Saturday night, I woke up at 1:00 am with a HORRIBLE pain in the right side of my head. It was similar to the "normal" pains that I have there, only this time, it radiated down my face, down my neck, all the way down to my chest. It hurt so badly, I thought for sure that I must be dying...or having a stroke, maybe.

I sat up for a little over an hour waiting to see if it would go away (nothing like waiting around in a possible emergency situation, huh?), but finally after increasing in intensity to where I thought my whole head and upper body would explode, it just went away...just like that. So strange! Now, I've suffered from migraines in the past, but this was NOTHING like a migraine...or really nothing like a headache even. Just weird. Hopefully the Neurontin will help get rid of some of this junk.

In other news...I cannot remember for the life of me if I shared my new career aspirations here. I think I did (home staging and redesign)? Well, I have started my training course, and I'm getting ready to send my first unit homework in for grading. I'm so excited about the whole thing!!! Just 3 more units to finish as well as some final coursework, and I'll be able to put IDDP after my name. Of course, I will be starting my own business as far as this is concerned, but I will not do it full-time until Mrs. Madden (God bless her) is no longer around. I made the promise to her that I would stay with her, and that's what I'll do. I can see this taking off to a bigger and brighter place in the future, though...

Otherwise, life is pretty status quo. Just living, doing taxes and hanging out with the family. Haven't really even done any scrapbooking for a week or so. Gotta change that! HA!

I'll write again tomorrow to tell you all how I feel ON drugs... : )

Well...No Answers...Yet...

Saw the Neurologist today. Have I ever mentioned that I love this doctor??? Despite my diatribe yesterday about being at peace with whatever happens, I was pretty daggone nervous by the time I got there. So much so that my BP was 139/91!!! EEEKKK!!!

Anyway, he came in and told me that my MRI looked "OK" and that the only thing found on it was some minor arthritic looking something or another in my neck, but that was not causing my problems. He told me that he could tell a drastic change in my overall appearance between when I first saw him in December, then again in January, through today. He said that each time, he could tell that I was a little worse and a little worse...(uh...thanks!) Well, admittedly, in December when I saw him, I felt fairly good. In January and now, I really did get much weaker than I had been at that time. I was actually surprised that he could really tell that.

He said that my MRI results did NOT mean that he could rule out MS...MS is still unfortunately an option, but he said that he wants to run another gammet of tests - EMG, sleep study, etc. He wants to be sure we have covered every single base.

He looked at my list of "complaints" that I've been having, and he said that all of these things are perfectly "normal" complaints for someone in my condition. He said that he KNOWS that there is SOMETHING going on with me...and for that, I love him. Not because he's willing to commisserate with me or humor me, but that he honestly feels and sees that there is something not quite right. He even said that if he thought it was in my head, he would be the very first person to tell me so! THANK YOU GOD FOR THIS DOCTOR!!

Anyway, here's the plan of action. We will do a sleep study to be sure that it's not sleep problems that are causing me my grief (it's not...I promise...). Then we'll do the EMG to see how that goes. In the meantime, he's asked me to research a few drugs that might help ease my symptoms. The one he suggested was Neurontin which will help with my electric-type pains and with the jerking, twitching and spasms that I go through constantly. He also suggested doing an anti-depressant (to help with fatigue and overall well-being, not because he thinks I'm depressed), and another drug for Narcoleptics (again to help with fatigue), which he's less inclined to give. I think I'll definitely try the Neurontin...after all, it can't get much worse than it already is!

I asked him what happens if all of these tests come back normal...he said that we just keep on plugging away, one step at a time, until we find the answer. He said it may take awhile, but we'll figure it out. I also asked if I had a normal looking MRI now that it would be inclined to stay that way. He said not necessarily...sometimes it takes time for things to show. (*sigh*)

In the meantime, they took 13...yes THIRTEEN...vials of blood from me today!!!!! Oh...my....gosh! My arm is going to fall off!!! Anyway, he was rechecking all of my levels that he had tested before just to be sure that nothing has changed there.

The best part....somewhere between December and now, I lost 13 lbs!! When I first saw him in December, I weighed 161. Today I weighed 148! WOOHOO!!!!! Sadly, I don't have a big appetite these days, so I guess that's what's going on.

Anyway, thank you for all of your posts, e-mails, prayers and thoughts. We're still not where we need to be as far as answers are concerned, but at least now I feel HOPEFUL! That's a good thing to feel...

Tomorrow is THE day...

...the day that I get my latest MRI results.

God has given me a wonderful gift this week, though...he has granted me this sense of peace like none I have ever felt before. I can almost hear Him saying, "It's OK...I'll see you through this." I feel like I am able to handle the situation no matter what the doctor says.

I have been praying so hard for so long that He would grant me mercy and not make me go through this without answers for a long time. I feel like He will keep his promises...

It's been SO wonderful to be able to sleep peacefully at night and not stay up all night obsessing over if I will have answers or not. It's been nice to go through my day concentrating (as much as my mind allows me to these days) on my work and not on wondering what's going to happen. It's been nice not being on the verge of an anxiety attack all week long.

I......HAVE.......PEACE. (Ahhhhhhhh.......)

In the meantime, things continue on as they have been. Same ol' stuff, different day. I stand up from sitting for awhile, and my right leg locks up. I get electrical shock feelings in the side of my head that make my eyes cross for a few seconds. I'm shaky and forgetful and clumsy and irritable. I twitch and jerk and ache and fall asleep any slight chance I get. Same ol' stuff, different day.

But have I told you lately how much I love my kiddos?? They are the true things that keep me going every day. Just to get Mackenzie out of her crib every morning only for her to give me the biggest baby bear hug I could get, and for Maddie to call me on my cell during the day just to say, "Mommy, how's your day today?" *sigh* It really doesn't get any better than this...

Sending out lots of love and hope and dreams to my good friends and my loving family who care enough to visit me here....