Everything is Status Quo

OK...here's the update from my Neurologist appointment...not a whole lot to tell.

First of all, I told him about the symptoms I've had since the last time I saw him - dizziness, fatigue, burning sensation, ringing ears, sheer grumpiness ; ), non-usable right hand, nausea, etc., etc. Dr. Fee told me that if this were 40 years ago, he would tell me that I have Multiple Sclerosis and we'd go on down that path. However, since this is 2006 and there are many tests and MANY criteria that have to be met, he has no choice but to leave me in limbo land for a while longer. It's OK...I'm used to it by now. Sheesh...am I used to it...

He went on to explain to me that some of my symptoms could be caused by migraines. Migraines, apparently, have evolved to where they don't necessarily contain head pain. Hmm...interesting, I guess. He did admit that SOME...not all...of my symptoms *could* be attributed to that, but again, he's just not sure. So, on his "short list" right now is Multiple Sclerosis and Migraines. Fun times for all.

I get "real" migraines about once every 3-4 months now. I used to have them more frequently, but ever since going off of the pill, I have had them far less. When I get them, I get the classic symptoms - HORRIBLE head pain, flashing vision, nausea/vomiting, etc. They put me in bed for the day. I wanted to tell him that I KNOW all about migraines, and having no head pain is NOT part of it...but I guess he's the doc, and he knows best, huh?

He increased my dosage of Neurontin from 1200 mgs/day to 1600 mgs/day. He said that this should help to get rid of the rest of the nagging burning sensation that plagues me daily, and it may help get rid of some of the grumpies that I've been dealing with lately (which he thinks may be physiological in nature due to changes in my brain and nervous system). We'll see how that works.

That's pretty much it. I go back to see him in 4 months unless I need him before then. I'll be waiting with baited breath for that one. Really, I will.

SO...in other news...my oldest child has turned 4 years old. I can't believe it! Not only does that mean that she's growing so fast, it also means that I'm that much older. : ) I'll write more about her b-day party and post some pictures from it tomorrow...I'm slow these days about downloading pictures off of my camera.

Have a great day, everyone!

Another Loss...

We've had yet another loss in our family - my favorite great aunt, Pansy, died on Sunday. She lived in Ashland - about 2 1/2 hours from me, so I didn't get to see her before she died. She had a very aggressive form of cancer. Her manor of death was a blessing...they had moved her to hospice and had given her 2-3 days to live at that time. She was in NO pain at all. The nurses kept trying to come in to give her medication for pain, and she kept telling them that she wouldn't take it - she didn't feel bad. She was full of laughter and smiled right up until she passed in her sleep. That is just how I would have wanted to remember her.

I always loved going to spend the night with her when I was a kid. She was SO much fun. She would get out her Atari game system (LOL!) and she would get down in the floor with us and play Frogger for hours on end. She was SO competitive! In the mornings, we would wake up to the smell of a WONDERFUL, HUGE breakfast - eggs, sausage, bacon, grits, toast, muffins, and biscuits - I got to help butter the biscuits every time! That was MY job. Oh...and we can't forget her FAMOUS red-eye gravy!! I will miss her, but I will remember her SO fondly.

In other news...my baby turns FOUR in just 3 days. I can't believe how fast the time has gone!!! She's just such a beautiful, loving, excited, happy, and glowing child. I'm so proud of her. Oh, don't get me wrong...she has my Irish temper, that's for sure, but overall, she's a true joy and just so much fun! Phil has been building her wooden playset that we got her for her birthday in our backyard. Now, she doesn't know what it is yet, as it STILL doesn't quite resemble a playset. Anyway, yesterday, she asked my Mom what Daddy was building in the backyard. Mom told her that she didn't know what it was, and Maddie replied with, "Oh, I know what it is...Daddy's building an exercise thing....but why's he building it outside!?!" :) Nothing gets past this kid.

I go to the Neurologist on Friday...I'm nervous. I just want answers, and I'm so scared that I will never have answers. I have my MRI scans to take to him. Maybe he will be able to tell something as he has never looked directly at the scans themselves. I have a lot to tell him about, that's for sure. I'll report here how it went, as always.

Thanks for reading...and especially THANK YOU for all of your support, phone calls and e-mails that you've all sent when I was feeling down last week. Friendships are the biggest thing that help me get through this! I love you all!!

I Think I'll Be OK!

I hope that I didn't alarm anyone with my last post. I was just having a *REALLY* bad few days...it just came to a point where I realized that I need to be proactive in getting rid of this JUNK in my mind.

There are a few of you who have been so wonderful with your e-mails and messages...you know who you are. It's SO wonderful to know that there are people who really care and want to help no matter how many miles are between us. I am blessed with such wonderful friends. Thank you!

I made a decision that I will talk to my Neurologist about how I've been feeling. He may end up sending me back to my regular doctor about this emotional stuff, in particular, but that is fine.

I have also made the decision to CONSCIOUSLY be happy. I've decided to SLOW DOWN in my life a bit. I don't HAVE to make it to an appointment RIGHT AT 1:00...if I make it there at 1:02, it's OK. I don't HAVE to work until bedtime every single night. I can pace myself, and I can tell my clients that they will have their things done before the deadlines, but they just might not get it a day or two after they give it to me. I don't HAVE to run myself ragged doing things that don't matter...having jewelry parties and Pampered Chef parties, etc. I can say NO. I WILL say NO.

I am also making the conscious choice to let things roll off my back. There is a situation right now in a buddy group that I am in where one or two people are picking on and saying very ugly things to another person. Those who know me well will tell you that I am FIERCELY loyal to my friends, and I will defend them until the end. I've had to make the choice to stay out of this as much as I want to defend my friend - she is a MS sufferer. It's not my fight...I don't need to make it my fight. I am better off skipping posts made by these people. Same with driving and politics...I'm not trying to race anyone or get in front of everyone who's going slower than I want them to, and I'm keeping the nightly news OFF to steer clear of the politics.

Finally...I am PRAYING. Praying that God "grants me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

In the few days that I've made these changes, I can already sense such a huge difference. My mood is lighter...things don't grind on my nerves as much. Don't get me wrong, I still have a ways to go until I can call myself completely serene, but don't we all?

Physically, I am about the same...my right hand, while a bit better, is still giving me problems, the fatigue is still a problem, dizziness, burning, etc.. Something new that started yesterday is that now my LEFT shoulder (everything until now has been on my right side) has began vibrating. It's a very strange and aggavating sensation. There is no pain...just vibrating. Hmmm...guess that's another one for the books. Sheesh!

So once again...THANK YOU for all of the love and support that you all give to me. None of it is ever unnoticed, believe me.

Who am I now?

I've been wondering what's going on with me for awhile. Not just the physical junk that clouds everything - most days, but this mental, emotional junk.

I haven't talked to anyone about this before, and frankly, I'm not sure what's going on. I've always considered myself to be a very happy, content person, and I still am. I trust in God, love Him with all of my heart, and believe in His divine plan for my life.

But lately, I've just not felt quite right. I am so easy to anger these days...I'm crabby and easily irritated. I find myself screaming at traffic in my car...as if they can really hear me. I find myself getting aggravated over the silliest little things that my girls or husband might do. Just nonsense!

This is NOT me.

There have been a lot of stresses around me lately - death and sickness in our families, the uncertaintly of my condition, the stress of Phil not having a job, the fact that I have so much to do and so little time in which to do it. It's just all caving in around me right now.

All I can do is pray that God will surround me with His awesome love and mercy - that He will help me to be calm in the most dire situations and in the most simple situations. I cannot use excuses such as being sick or tired or whatever...I just cannot. The bottom line is that I, and I alone, carry the ability to CHOOSE to be happy or not. I have to remind myself of this daily.

I LOVE my life, and I would not change even one tiny bit of it (except that maybe I'd give myself the ability to hire another person to help me - LOL!). I adore my children and husband, I have a wonderful, loving, supportive family, I have a great business with great clients who excuse my wackiness and forgetfulness, I have friends who are just out of this world, I have a lovely home, food on my table and clothes on my back. I have NO REASON at all to be feeling the way that I do.

I just have to choose to be happy...and that's all.

Happy Independence Day!!!!!

Hope everyone has a great July 4th!!!

Our holiday has started off with a BANG - literally! We went to our annual family Independence Day picnic at my aunts house on Saturday. She has a pool, so the kids (and me) were able to swim, and we all just had a good time eating and chatting with everyone.

Funny thing was that no one brought any fireworks except for my Uncle Steve...he bought about 7 shells that they fired off, and then he found a few of the "cheesy" fireworks in his garage from last year. I think our whole fireworks show lasted about 10 minutes if you compressed the time that was spent setting them up and lighting them. : ) That was probably a good thing, though, seeing as how someone in the family ALWAYS ends up on fire every year. LOL!!

Maddie finished up two straight weeks of Level 1 swim classes...she flunked. She refused to do a few things because "it gets (her) face and hair wet!!!" What a princess (and not in the good sense)!! So swimming isn't her forte. After her last class on Friday, she asked me if there were any more swim classes...I told her no, and her response was, "OK...when does my tap class start?" I keep telling myself that she's not going to excel at EVERYTHING...so note to self: keep her away from the pool and IN the dance studio. (Fine by me...)

Mackenzie, on the other hand, is a little FISH! I put her in the pool with me on Saturday, and she went crazy. I would put her on her belly, and she would move her arms and kick her legs in the water. She kept putting her face under the water - at 21 months old!! She's going to be the swimmer, I believe.

As far as me...I lost the use of my right hand yesterday (again). This has happened numerous times, only yesterday, I lost use of it ALL DAY. That is unusual and troublesome for me. It worried me quite a bit. Today, it still is pretty clumsy acting, but I can use it again. Otherwise, I've been tired, tired, tired....just not enough hours in the day for everything. I'm afraid of delving into another flare up with all of the stress and everything that's been going on. I see Dr. Fee again in 18 days...hopefully we'll continue further down the road to answers and a diagnosis. (Again, this vent is more for documenting purposes so that I can remember to tell the Dr.)

Phil is still searching for a new job...in the meantime, he's becoming quite the Mr. Mom. The girls are starting to go to him more for everything (except for bedtime, which Mommy is the only one they want then). It kind of warms my heart to see them so attached to him...where I was afraid that they would never adjust to not having Mom around, now I'm afraid that they won't adjust when she does come back. Well...sort of... ; )

I think that's it....I hope that you all have a wonderful, safe, and fun July 4th!!!