I need to talk about my friend...(Long)

A lot has come out about Brian, my praise band friend who committed suicide. Actually, after hearing the information, I feel a tiny bit better about what happened, although that's just an ironic way of saying that.

Brian had been admitted to Charter Ridge, a mental health facility, a few weeks ago for his depression. He had been suffering from depression for a little while, and it was getting to the point where he just wouldn't get out of bed in the mornings. This depression started when he sold his business - a popular bicycle shop in Lexington. Apparently, he felt that he had made a big mistake by selling it. The apprehension over this just continued to double and double until it became full-fledged depression.

Never did he ever seem to be suicidal...just a guy who had turned 50 and wasn't sure where he fit in with his life. After leaving Charter Ridge, he was regularly seeing a counselor (every other day). He sought help ON HIS OWN. He knew that he was depressed, and he only wanted to find out how NOT to be depressed.

The doctor tried him on numerous medications. Exactly one week after changing his medication YET AGAIN, Brian hung himself in his home.

The day that Brian died, he had called a company about a job that he had interviewed for. He was told that he probably had the job, but the person that he talked to had to find out more information and told him that she would call him back that afternoon. She tried and tried and tried to call him back later, but no one ever answered.

The day that Brian died, he went and had a late lunch with his daughter, Kelsey...that was at 2:o0. His son, Nathan, came home at 4:00 and found him dead. He literally had only minutes to make that fatal decision.

I attended the viewing at the funeral home on Thursday night. I was completely overwhelmed to see hundreds upon hundreds of people coming through that door to pay their respects. I told my Mom, who was keeping my girls, that I would be back in "about half and hour." An hour and a half later, I left that funeral home. I stood in line for a LONG TIME to pay my respects, and I was so glad that I did. I remember saying to him in my head..."See how many people loved you? See how many people cared so much that they come in droves to stand in line for you?"

I was not able to attend the funeral because I was home by myself with the girls on Friday. I hear that it was an AWESOME funeral complete with beautiful music, which he would have loved, and a wonderful eulogy.

After the funeral, Jill, Brian's wife, told our preacher that she had found some paperwork on this last drug that Brian had been taking...it said:

"Do not leave this person unattended while taking this medication. May cause suicidal thoughts."

She. Never. Knew. No one, including the prescribing doctor, ever told her that he could not be left alone. A very tragic "mistake" (OMISSION) with horrible, horrible consequences.

Our church service on Sunday was.....I don't even know what to call it. Horrible, sad, emotionally draining, inspirational, time to heal...there aren't enough words to describe it. Marcus, our preacher, began the service asking if anyone wanted to talk about what happened. There was one couple there who somehow did not receive word of what had happened, and when told, they just broke down in tears. People talked, asked questions, got mad...and healed. We finally had some closure. Having answers helped tremendously.

I, for one, am so glad that this wasn't something that he contemplated for a long, long time, but rather it was something not right with his mind at a particular moment. I pray that God forgives him, and I pray that God will heal all of the hearts that have been broken.

Our church service went on with a discussion about how God and Jesus views grief. Then, the remaining members of our praise band got up and sang two songs, "Draw Me Close to You" and "Blessed be Your Name." We did not use microphones, we did not have drums or guitars, just the piano...we couldn't. At that moment, we let the sound of Brian's voice and his guitar play in our minds while we sang those songs. I couldn't make it through...I cried through it as most others in the whole congregation did.

We will go on...we will form another praise band, but we will always hear the sound of Brian's voice and his guitar playing on...